This past week we had the opportunity to go on a family trip to Florida, as we have done in the past. The week started off a bit cool, but it warmed up as the days passed. We were able to do most of the normal things that we have done in Florida as a family. We walked on the beach, hunted sand crabs on the beach at night, mini-golfed, played games, etc. Each day was full of its own activities, and it was a good chance to take a break from our “normal” lives up here in Wisconsin.
This was our second vacation to Florida since we lost Hannah. Last year the emotion associated with the loss was still very fresh and our trip really allowed us to step back and regroup as a family. Now, a year later, the intense emotion of the loss has subsided somewhat, and the realization of the reality of her passing is more of a constant heavy pressure on us. It’s something that is always there day and night and it weighs on us. Last year we seemed to be able to somewhat escape this pressure, but this year it took several days to “loosen up” and get to a place where we were more comfortable. This year, coupled with that pressure of the loss, we also feel the weight of the responsibility that we have with Hannah Helps as a legal organization before the government, as it is part of Hannah’s legacy, and also for its growth and development into something that is of high quality and effectiveness. Further, all the things that we are doing with Hannah Helps are of significant value and require our full time and attention, but they are also voluntary. We never asked for this, and no one can be prepared for such a sudden tragedy. We have no training or background in any of the things that we are doing, and everything we are undertaking is a new learning experience and a step of faith.
Family vacations, like birthdays, can be a reminder of the passing of time. Like most people, we take pictures on our trips to commemorate the place and that point in time that we shared together as a family. Last year it was hard to not have Hannah in our family pictures and there did seem to be a part of us that said, “Without Hannah, what’s the point of even taking them?” because her absence left a hole where she once stood. This year, now that a more significant amount of time has passed, those family photos don’t just have a hole where Hannah should be, but they also show growth and changes in the lives of everyone else. I’ll say this is a different way, Hannah was nineteen when we lost her. Obviously, if she were alive now, she would be twenty and there would be evidence of another year’s growth in her life and in those pictures. But now, instead of that, everyone else has aged another year, but to us she still remains nineteen. To us, her life, as we knew it, ended on her birthday. That was the last time that we were a family together, and the last time that we saw her before her accident with the brownie. That memory of our nineteen year old daughter will always be who Hannah was and who she continues to be in our minds. But, although she was the oldest of our children, in a short time her bothers will pass her up in age and in life experiences. These things leave us with the feeling that because everyone else is growing and changing, somehow, Hannah is being left behind as we all move on through time without her. Each year that gap between us only widens, and each year it becomes more and more evident. In reflection, we see that last year we struggled with absence, but on this one, we struggled with distance.
We definitely had a great trip and are very thankful that we had the opportunity to go. These things that we share are just a small part of life as we heal. We do realize that family pictures were never only about any one person, but rather they are about the family as a whole. We also realize that that moving forward means that we don’t allow ourselves to be held back from doing the right thing by our emotions. Yes, it hurts, none of this is easy, and it never will be for anyone who has lost someone they love. This is a journey and a process that we will deal with for the rest of our lives. We acknowledge the pain, shed a few tears, and keep pressing on. Or as we have said before, “We do right: we breathe, take small steps, and keep moving forward.”
We are blessed.
P.S. If you would like to donate to Hannah Helps:
PayPal: paypal.com/us/fundraiser/charity/5609126
Venmo: venmo.com/u/hannahhelps19
Your support is needed and greatly appreciated!
Thank You!
Hannah Helps Blog 