By Janean
Sometimes when I meet people for the first time, questions are asked back and forth between us in order for us to get to know each other. There are times when the other person asks how many children I have, and I have never hesitated with giving the answer four. Even after Hannah’s passing, I still say that I have four children. Then the more specific questions come, do you have boys or girls? How old are they? What grade are they in? What are their interests? I start answering these questions with my oldest son, Micah, and work my way down from Robert to Josh. Then I end with sharing about my oldest and only girl, Hannah. I am not afraid of these questions. I actually desire them, because they open the door for me to share Hannah’s story and ultimately share God’s love with them.
Recently, I have been reminded that we actually have two children in heaven. I had a miscarriage between Micah and Robert. I was only about a month along though, and just as I was preparing myself with the idea that another baby was the way, I lost him/her. It really didn’t affect me. I think it’s because I never had the opportunity to get close to the child. I never felt sick like I did with my other pregnancies. I never held them, changed them, fed them, nor kissed them. I remember my first appointment with the OB-GYN when I was expecting Josh, she said to me that this was my fifth pregnancy. I actually said, “Wait a minute! This will be number four.” She said that according to their records I had a miscarriage. I remember feeling bad that I had not taken into consideration that a life was conceived but was already in heaven.
The biggest difference with the loss of an unborn child and Hannah is that I had nineteen years of getting to know Hannah. I carried her nine months, gave birth to her, changed her, fed her, held her, sang to her, read to her, and watched her grow. Actually, one of my favorite books to read to my children when they were young was a book titled Love You Forever. As I researched the history of this book, I came to find out that the author and the illustrator were a husband and wife who had two stillborn babies. The author, Robert Munsch, sang this song in his head for a long time, because it was too emotional for him to sing outload. The couple eventually adopted three children and were able to put their love for their children into book form. In the book, every night the mom rocks her baby and sings a little ditty as the baby goes off to sleep. She continued to do this all through her child’s life and even into adulthood. The song she would sing went like this:
“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
As long as I’m living
My baby you’ll be.”
I made up my own tune to the words and would sing it for my children when they were babies. No matter where my children are in life, at home, at college, on the other side of the world, or even in heaven, I will love them forever. As long as I am living, they will always be my children.
We are blessed.
P. S. If you would like to donate to Hannah Helps:
paypal.com/us/fundraiser/charity/5609126
Hannah Helps 