Well, we made it through another year of life and full year since we lost Hannah. This New Year’s Eve we went to church in the evening and then we stayed to play games afterwards. One of the college students brought his family with him that night. As I came in and introduced myself, his father said, “I’m so-and-so, and I know who you are because of Hannah, and I am really sorry about her passing.” I truly appreciated his sympathy and his mentioning that, but it also STILL left me basically speechless. I responded with something like, “Thank you. God apparently had other plans..” Then we had to move on to the service.
As I have been thinking about our little exchange, I realize that even though it’s been over a year now, I am still as much at a loss for words as I was a year ago. I naturally would have thought that surely by now I would have something “wise” or meaningful to say, but NO. All I can do is appreciate the support and more-or-less say, “Yup, that happened.” We do believe that this is part of God’s larger purpose and plan, and we certainly have seen good come from this tragedy. Sure, we can share the story of that week we lost her or even about our experiences and our journey of healing. BUT, to the fact that Hannah is no longer with us, that one direct reality, is still impossible to fully understand, and I’m not expecting that to ever really change. Our heads may accept the facts of something and adapt, but our hearts never do.
On New Year’s Day itself, I ran to the store to get more salt for our sidewalk. As I was coming to the end of an aisle, a guy was crossing in front of me. He was pushing a cart with a few items in it and also his two young daughters. They were having a good time shopping with dad! I wasn’t really paying attention, but as he looked up, he immediately recognized me. (He had done plumbing work on several of the jobs that I did, and it had been probably two years since we have seen each other.) As we talked, he asked me about my life since we last spoke. I told him about my “career change” and then about the loss of Hannah. He was very saddened to hear about that, and as we talked I shared the things that we are doing now with Hannah Helps. He was very sympathetic and interested as he listened, but again, when it comes to the fact of loss, there really isn’t much that he could say other than, “I’m so sorry” and to that point, I had nothing more to add. In the end it was a very nice conversation, and I apologized for being a “downer” on his holiday. (There is always an internal sense, that we are a “dark cloud” wherever we go.) I left him with a Hannah Story Tract and then we went our separate ways.
So, I guess this thing called “loss” will always be just too big for words. It’s something that words really can’t ever explain or “touch.” We can share ideas and experiences and try to paint word pictures that a heart could understand, but where loss is involved, words always come up short. There are no words that can heal a heart after loss. So, as we “heal” and move forward we do have to recognize that it will be done with a heavy heart. We can’t wait until we “feel like healing.” With God’s help, healing is a decision we make. It can affect how we feel, but it can’t be controlled by those emotions. There are no “right words” to make it all “OK.” Words can’t fix a broken heart.
We are blessed.
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