Another Christmas has passed, and a New Year is about to begin. I have heard it said that the days can drag by, but the years fly. This seems to be true, and I guess that this past year has been no exception. It’s hard to believe that it’s been over a year now, and that we have just celebrated our second Christmas without Hannah. Her passing is closely tied to her birthday and the holiday season. Now it’s like, this season from November 3rd through New Year’s is the season of our loss. (Perhaps, if her accident had taken place in the spring or summer, this would be different.) With this being our second Christmas now, we began to think a little about how we are now verses where we were this same time last year.
There definitely are a few similarities, the first being that her absence is still very obvious to us. There were reminders all throughout this season that Hannah is no longer here. She wasn’t here to help decorate, play games, share in gift giving, or to eat lots of food. These last two months we often thought, “Hannah would have loved this” or “Hannah would have done that.” I guess we could see and feel the holes that her absence has left. We all have places where we “fit” into relationships with family and friends. Maybe, like George in “It’s a wonderful life,” it’s not until someone is gone that we really see all the roles they filled, the difference that they made, and how deeply we loved them. There are dark holes in our lives where Hannah’s light used to shine.
Another prominent similarity was that Hannah’s passing really overshadowed the holidays in our hearts. (Again, with her passing being so closely tied to and associated with this season, our experience is probably different than that of others.) To us, this feels like a season where all joy is now overshadowed by the reality of our sadness and pain, and one where loss is real. The “magic” of the season is gone. In our version of the Charles Dicken’s classic, “A Christmas Carol,” Tiny Tim dies despite love and support… While the silver linings are appreciated, that dark cloud never goes away. It’s an internal world where Christmas lights don’t shine, bells don’t ring, and memories are just reminders of the hurt and the loss.
The first difference though would be that the intense emotion and shock of her unexpected death, from something so simple, has faded. Although it’s something that remains hard to believe, yet, it’s also something that we have accepted. Last year, this all happened so quickly! It was like boom, boom, boom, we celebrated her going to college and her birthday, but then the accident, her passing, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all back-to-back. We were completely exhausted, both emotionally and physically. This year, however, our wound has “skinned over” and all the remaining damage is far more internal and deeper. There is flexibility that this superficial healing provides, but inside, it really feels similar to last year.
Another contrast would be that last year Hannah was remembered more. With everything being so fresh on all our minds, there was an exceptional outpouring of love and attention for Hannah, but now, one year later, most people have “moved on.” Certainly, there are family and friends who still hurt too, but they are not the majority. We understand that we all have our own lives and our own problems. We understand that no one else knew her and loved her like we do, as her parents. We also understand that mentioning Hannah can be uncomfortable for people, especially at such a special “family” season of the year. But, with those things being said, there is a certain amount of disappointment when her memory seems to be completely disregarded or forgotten. Like the sunrise the day after her passing, there can be a coldness even amidst the warm glow of holiday celebrations. This is not a negative commentary on anyone. This is just the perspective of broken hearts.
We know that nothing really will make us “feel” better. Hannah’s gone from our lives here on earth. There’s nothing that can fill that void that’s left, and the scar that’s inside of us is deep and permanent. But, those things can’t control our thoughts or our decisions. We must choose to push past that desire to become selfish and to quit on ourselves, our families, and all our other responsibilities. We choose to get up, step up, and live! We don’t forget and “move on,” we move forward! There’s an emptiness that we will always feel, there’s a heaviness that will weigh us down, but there will also always be a choice. It’s a choice to waste away in the voluntary cage of despair, or to use the key of hope and faith to free ourselves. It’s a choice to Do Right: Breathe, Take small steps, and to Keep moving forward. It’s a choice to heal. It’s a choice to live!
We are blessed.
Hannah Helps 