Winter has come to Wisconsin, but just before it did, we were able to get our annual Christmas tree. Every year we cut down our own tree at a local tree farm. Hannah loved this season so very much! Now for us, there are just so many reminders of her and our losing her during this time that it seems that memories are constant. She loved the food, she loved the activity, she loved the snow, and she loved the family gatherings. Without her here, this season isn’t the same at all! Honestly, it’s been hard to really even care about any of it. Much of our joy has been sucked into the constant hole that’s left inside our hearts.
After getting our tree set up and decorated last week, Micah brought home a small Charlie Brown Christmas tree from work. The contrast between the two trees really jumped out to me as they each seem symbolic of the way that we feel inside. The healthy, full, and “live” tree represents how we used to feel before Hannah’s accident. It was a time of wonder, anticipation, and life! But the Charlie Brown tree depicts how we feel inside now. There’s a certain sense of going through the motions and trying to remember that full, happy old life we used to know, but in the end, inside, the best we can do now feels just like that little “tree.” It’s small, sparce, empty, and fake.
With these feelings in mind, we remember that we can’t allow ourselves to be controlled by our emotions. Despite those feelings, we are responsible for our actions and the impact that our decisions have on others. We do have three boys at home, we still have family, and there are church responsibilities too. Succumbing to the selfish desire to push it all away and wallow in our loss would only hurt those around us and ultimately ourselves and there would be nothing good or beneficial that would come from it. Over the past year, we have learned that rising above our feelings is a big part of healing and that “rising above” often requires a decision to not be selfish. There will always be a scar inside of us that will be seen and felt, but as healing takes place, there’s also opportunity for growing, serving, and helping.
Healing is a choice, and at this season maybe it’s more important than ever that we choose correctly. This is a time of family and a time of remembering Jesus’ coming to this world to provide hope in the darkness. Our boys and those around us need us. They hurt too at this time, but as we are all still here, we have the opportunity to make more wonderful memories together. Loss is something that does influence who we are, but it can’t be allowed to dictate who we will become. We hurt, we heal, and we rise above by doing right: we breathe, take small steps, and keep moving forward!
We are blessed.
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