By Janean
Guilt – can be classified as a self-conscious feeling of remorse or regret for an action or inaction, and it often comes with a desire to apologize or make amends. The heavy feeling of not doing everything correctly the night Hannah ate the brownie has caused me to wrestle with guilt. I know that I am not alone. Countless others struggle with the feeling of guilt when an unforeseen hardship rears its ugly head. In the heat of the moment maybe action was taken too quickly and the ability to think things through was not an option, or a decision was made, but now the outcome of that decision would have been better to go in a different direction. Believe me, if we only knew then what we know now, maybe things would have turned out differently.
But in those frightful moments, those “WHAT’S HAPPENING!?!” moments, we could not have known the outcome. As we have said, Hannah’s encounter with this refined peanut flour brownie caused her to have an allergic reaction that acted just like the other two times Hannah crossed paths with peanut butter as a child. We were watching her, listening to her, and not once did she feel that her life was in danger. In fact, it really was over, until “lightning struck twice,” and her lung collapsed.
But guilt can be like a disease that starts with one small thought or unfiltered words of someone trying to help. Once this disease takes ahold of your thoughts, it begins to grow and can fester and cause you to fall into depression, self-doubt, or even cause you to believe there is no reason to continue on. As Hannah’s mom, why didn’t I just say, “Take your Epi!” Why did I have her go to her room to rest and not just take her to the hospital? Why did I tell her to lie on her side? Why didn’t I think that her lung collapsed? Guilt, horrible guilt, grows and consumes a person’s thoughts, attitude, and even actions. So many things I regret. I wish I could do it over again, take back, apologize for, and even make amends. But I can’t. I can’t go back to the past and change everything. I can’t just snap my fingers or wiggle my nose and cause everything to go back to the way it was a year ago. What am I supposed to do then?
God led me to the verses found in Isaiah 43:18-19, “Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.”
God does not want His children to focus on the things of the past. He is always working to make things new, a transformation. In our personal lives, He wanted to grow us, to strengthen us, and to use us in a way that we never thought possible. He has brought all kinds of relationships together through the death of our daughter. People working and volunteering with allergy awareness and organ donation awareness, those whose lives were saved because of Hannah’s sacrifice, other families who have suffered with the loss of a loved one, meeting the Governor of Wisconsin and other government officials, even new connections with other churches and other Christians just to name a few new relations.
The verse asks the question, “shall ye not know it?”. It’s kind of saying; wouldn’t we think that God would allow some decisions and actions to be made and have something good ready to come out of it? Romans 8:28, “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.” Back to Isaiah, God gives a promise that He will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. The wilderness can be a place full of brush and thorns with no clear path, but God can open the way to go if we trust in Him to do so. Walking through a desert is desolate, draining, dry, hot, and gives the feeling that you will never make it to the other side without refreshment. But, according to the verse, God provides rivers to the wandering traveler.
To the griever dealing with guilt: I recently read a phrase that has encouraged me, “Control what you can control and let God take over the rest.” I need to remind myself that in those uncertain, scary moments, I did what I thought and believed was the right thing to do. I was with my daughter, which was what she wanted. Once we, our nurse friend and I, realized that her life took a drastic turn for the worse, we responded immediately to get her the help that she needed. That’s what we could control. We could not control her lung collapsing. We could not stop her heart from stopping on the ambulance. We could not help the doctors figure out why her oxygen level was dangerously low. All those things were in God’s hands.
To the one trying to be a help to the griever: bathe your thoughts and advice in prayer before you share. Since Hannah’s home going, I have had many encounters with people. Most people do not know how to respond to this tragedy and therefore steer away from the subject. Other people try to understand what happened, and struggle with saying the right thing. Several people are confident in themselves and just say whatever comes to their mind. Usually what they say is true, but their approach is hard to take. Very few have discretion from God and know how to encourage with love and compassion.
Ultimately, if you are struggling with guilt, give it to the Lord. He is the only One who can help you overcome this disease and guide you through the healing process. Isaiah 41:10, “Fear thou not, for I am with thee. Be not dismayed, for I am thy God. I will strengthen thee, yea I will help thee, yea I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”
We are blessed.
Hannah Helps 