By Janean
There is a hole in my heart, and there’s a part of me that’s no longer living. It died on November 10th, 2024 at 3:57 in the afternoon. Much of my joy is gone and the desire to live has faded. I recognize that it’s very easy to allow that hole, that emptiness inside, to grow and eventually overtake me. There’s absolutely nothing in this world that can fill that hole, because it’s in the shape of my daughter, Hannah.
People have said to me that it makes them sad to think that Hannah will miss out on so many things in life. Graduating, dating, getting married, having a child, raising a family, experiencing the ups and downs of a normal life. As her mom, I have thought the very same things, however, from my perspective. I won’t be able to watch from the side lines and see Hannah experience all those things that a young person desires to achieve. There lies the hole. But Hannah, at this moment, could care less about those earthly things. She is enjoying the glory of heaven and sitting at Jesus’ feet asking all her questions.
People have also said to me that one day we will see her again, and that brings them comfort. I believe in the very same thing, and it thrills my heart that I have no doubt that I will see Hannah when I enter heaven’s gate. However, how much time will need to pass before I get there? I am 46 years old. My parents are in their seventies, most of my grandparents lived till they were in their eighties, and I had one grandfather that lived till he was 96. That means that I could have 25 to 50 years of living on this earth with this hole in my heart. There will be a lingering emptiness that will not be filled until Hannah steps back into it when I meet her in heaven.
What am I supposed to do in the meantime? “Do right, breathe, take small steps, and keep moving forward.” What do those words mean to me? To “do right” is to look toward God and follow what I find in His Word. He has all the answers in His love letter, the Bible. Psalms 46:1, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” When we are struggling to keep our heads above the water, He is there with his hand outstretched to lift us back up. My favorite verse is Isaiah 41:10 which says, “Fear thou not, for I am with thee, be not dismayed, for I am thy God, I will strengthen thee, yea, I will help thee, yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” When I know that I have a responsibility to perform, it might be having family over for a celebration, getting together to encourage someone, or fulfilling my duties at church, but I don’t feel like doing any of it, I just want to be left alone. Knowing that God is with me, holding me up, gives me the strength to “do right”.
“Breathe”. There are many times when a thought, a sound, a smell will jerk at my heart and take me back to a memory of Hannah. Which causes my heart to ache and stops my feet from moving forward. That’s when I take a moment, close my eyes and allow myself to cry again, breathe slowly and easily, then regain my composer and continue whatever task I was working on.
Sometimes over the past eight months, I have taken too big of a step causing me to take a step or two backward. I was asked if I felt that our boys would be ready and able to sing a special for church. At first, I said that they might be able to do that. However, Hannah was their rock whenever they did specials at church, they depended on her. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that I was forcing too big of a step, not only for our boys, but also for Dave and me. Seeing our boys do a special without Hannah at this time, is too much. Going to church in itself is still hard. Not seeing Hannah’s car in the parking lot, not seeing her at the Clavinova playing the hymns, not seeing her interact with the bus kids, or not seeing her sitting at the end of our pew solidifies that emptiness. I remind myself to “take small steps”. So, I told our music director that we needed more time.
Finally, “keep moving forward” will be a lifelong process and progression. It will take the rest of our lives to fulfill this motto that we have taken on. How do I “keep moving forward?” My number one priority is my family. I must focus on my husband and my three boys. They still need me to help, listen, give support and direction in their lives. That’s a full-time job in itself. Eventually that will become less as the boys will grow, move out, and start their own families. So, the other thing I can do to “keep moving forward” is to minister to people around me. Work with the bus kids at church, do what I can to grow that ministry and reach the community around our church. Be willing to lend a listening ear to anyone who is suffering or struggling. Ask God to give me His Words of wisdom and guide me in my conversations and interactions with people. Share the Gospel through Hannah’s story. People may not listen to a bunch of verses thrown at them, but they will listen to a tragic story. A story that ends in glorifying God and one that brings them to the understanding of their need for salvation in their lives.
These are my attempts to not allow that hole and emptiness to overwhelm me. Some days I fail, I am only human. But with God’s help and strength, He will stand me back up on my feet and guide me in the direction He wants me to go.
We are blessed.
Hannah Helps 