Every now and then, people ask us how we’re doing. It’s a question that seems simple enough, and I’ve asked other people this very same thing, but then again, maybe it’s almost too simple because the answer can be so complicated. Several things cross my mind when I’m asked this. First, “Do they actually care, or is this just a polite formality?” Second, “How are we actually doing?” Third, “How do we explain things to people?” Fourth, “Are we really doing ‘well’?”
To the first question, “Do they actually care and expect an answer.” Sometimes a person’s body language tips off the fact that they are only asking out of conversational politeness. They really don’t expect an answer. To that we just say, “fine.” If their intentions are more unclear, then we test the waters with something a little more specific like, “These things aren’t easy, we’re hanging in there, or we have good days and hard days.” From this, their response determines if we go further. A simple statement like, “Well that’s good” or “hang in there” says that they’re likely only looking for a superficial answer or they’re becoming uncomfortable and are backing out. But if they care more and follow up with a question, then we begin to “open up” a little more. Losing Hannah is momentous to us, and we aren’t going to waste our time trying to explain it to people who clearly don’t care, but, on the other hand, if someone does care, we are more than happy to try to help them understand how we are. Another consideration is the fact that the person asking may be trying to lead the conversation towards a specific aspect of our trial, or they may have a need or concern of their own that they really would like to talk to us about. We are always happy to talk to people about our situation, and we are also always happy to listen and to try to help them with their struggles. Conversations like these are a give and take. With each exchange, the conversation heads into deeper conversation, or else it heads quickly towards the exit.
The second question of, “How are we actually doing” is a little more difficult in some ways. There really isn’t much of a standard for these things. There is no undoing what’s happened and there’s no forgetting it either. Our loss never “feels good” and that feeling never goes away. All the aspects of this combine for a tangle of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. They all seem to be closely connected and no one aspect of this can be viewed in isolation. In many ways, even after these months have passed, the whole situation still seems unbelievable and unreal, and it’s like we still don’t even know what’s happened or what it means that Hannah is gone. So, it seems hard to know how we’re doing when we feel like we still haven’t been able to absorb the entire problem. I guess this is all part of the healing PROCESS. So maybe, “How we’re doing,” is more about direction of a progression rather than about where we are at any one specific point in time.
For the third question, “How do we explain these things” is also difficult. The emotional connections run very deep, and it feels impossible to explain. It’s like we initially we want to think that no one else could ever understand what we’ve been through. Even if they’ve been through something similar, it could never be remotely the same as our situation. Hannah was OUR daughter. We had our own unique relationship with her. Losing her to a simple bite of peanut in a brownie, being with her that week in the ICU, and knowing everything that’s taken place since then, all builds up into something that seems impossible to ever explain or to be understood. Further, there are a couple of other considerations when answering this question too. How detailed and how personal to get both always run through our minds. With either one of these, things can get uncomfortable for everyone pretty quickly. Since each conversation is unique, the way we evaluate our response in these areas all depends on how the conversation is going. If there’s good personal interaction and connection, then keep going, but if the conversation starts to head towards the exit, we need to let it go.
Finally, we try to actually answer the question of, “How are we doing?’ With little basis for any sort of clear comparison or standard, we consider a few observations about ourselves. The first of these would be the fact that we don’t see any self-destructive tendencies cropping up in our lives. We aren’t in denial about any of what has happened, and we aren’t angry or bitter at anyone. From the company that put refined peanut flour in the brownie mix to God Himself for allowing this all to have taken place, we hold no bitterness or ill-will against anyone. We aren’t “happy” about these things, yet we have accepted them as fact and as being part of a bigger plan. We haven’t used alcohol or drugs to temporarily deaden the pain, and we aren’t using distractions like work or hobbies to keep ourselves too busy to face reality and ultimately prolong the “grieving process.” Next, we are maintaining a good spirit despite this situation. We aren’t filled with anger. Our home is still happy and positive. Lastly, we look at our direction. I think that we are heading in a positive direction. We may have a bad day and struggle at times, but overall, at the end of the week, we are still moving in a positive direction.
So, “how are we doing?” I guess we’re doing “OK.” Doing well doesn’t mean that we’re happy all the time like Pollyanna. It just means that we’re trying to do right: pausing for a breath when necessary, taking small steps at times, and always moving forward.
We are blessed.
Hannah Helps 