After finalizing everything with the organ donation representatives from Versiti, we were exhausted and emotionally worn out. Having watched her heart slowing down on the monitors, then learning what that meant, having the full neurological examination done, and then being told that we were at the end, and since she was unconscious and unaware of any of this, we decided that we needed to go home and tell our families face-to-face. We especially felt that we needed to shift our focus to our three boys. We needed to be there for them, and they became our primary responsibility at that point. We packed up some of our things and left the hospital about 4:30 am. My parents’ house is on the way to our house from the hospital, so we stopped there first. We called a few minutes before arriving to let them know we were coming. We went in, explained the situation, we all cried and hugged, we let them know that they could go and visit Hannah again. (With the situation we were faced with, having visitors was difficult, so our family had only been able to visit once, on Wednesday, three days prior) We were there about a half hour then left. They got ready, and were the first to go back, visit, and say their “goodbyes”.
While on the way to our house, I pulled off to the side of the road and called our nurse friend, Hannah, to tell her the bad news. We told her that our family would be coming in to say goodbye to Hannah, and then we would come back sometime later in the day. I wanted to make her aware of the situation before she went in to work. For me, having a “heads up” before getting hit with major developments as soon as I walk into work is really nice. She was very sad and very appreciative of the call. With that done, we resumed our drive home.
The sun was just beginning to come up as we arrived home. Despite its beauty, seeing it come up felt like a cold reminder that although our world was shattered, the rest of the world didn’t care and was going about its daily morning routine. We called Janean’s parents, who were staying with our boys at our house and told them that we would be arriving shortly. (Both sets of parents worked together on taking care of the boys. They each took turns staying with them and it was a big help, primarily because it allowed us to give our 100% attention to Hannah). Giving some notice definitely seemed to be helpful for our families to at least have a few minutes to wake up, begin to process the situation, and be “braced” for the news of what we were about to give them. We parked in the driveway and went inside. Everyone assembled shortly after our arrival, and we relayed all that had taken place. We cried, hugged, then Janean’s parents left so that they could get ready to go visit, and so that we could be alone, together with the boys. Since the boys had heard everything already, we just sat with them and answered any questions that they had. Kowing that our families were going back to the hospital gave us plenty of time to be together, alone for the first time since things began. We ate breakfast, then Janean and I tried to take a short nap, then we got up and got cleaned up. We went back to the hospital after the rest of the family had their time to be alone with Hannah. Returning to the hospital was strange. It had been such a big part of our life that week, it was like returning to some sort of new “normal” life, although under different circumstances. Having the boys with us was our actual “normal” life, so when we went into the hospital, these two “lives” of ours met, and the boys moved into the “hospital life” with us.
We walked into the hospital room as Janean’s parents and her brother’s family were finishing up their visit. We briefly discussed the plan and schedule for the honor walk on the following day, Sunday. After they left, we let the boys spend time with their sister. It was a sad, touching time for all of us. Other than that one brief visit on Wednesday, they had not experienced this situation like we had. They held Hannah’s hand and talked to her. They commented that if she were awake, she would have been yelling at them for holding her hand, (Hannah was not a “touchy feely” sort of girl), but in that moment, it felt very special to them. Hannah the nurse gave us some printouts of our Hannah’s heartbeat in little glass vials as keep sakes. (Mitch, the nurse we had just that one night, when everything “came to a head” had given us a few of them as well). Micah, our oldest son, wanted to take a picture holding Hannah’s hand for the last time with the heartbeat in between their hands and on top of the organ donation blankets. We did that, then the other boys did the same. They each took a picture next to her as well. It was good for them to have the opportunity to have their own personal experience with her at that point. They needed to work this out for themselves, in their own way, honor her, and make their own memories. It was a “good” time.
We then began to “settle in”. There was always something going on in the room as her body weakened. There was also continued testing being done to ensure the viability of her organs. They do not want to take any unnecessary risks with organ transplantation. It would be very hard to have two lives end the same day because of a foreseeable problem with an organ. Our intention was to all spend one last night together as a family. It was going well until, maybe, 9 o’clock, then I started to “crash” from all the fatigue. Although I was so torn up inside between how I felt physically and wanting to be with her that last night, I knew that I had to go home. There was no way that I was going to get any rest, I was at the end of my strength and stamina, and I needed to survive another full day of activity. After beginning to fall asleep while standing, I told Janean that I needed to leave. She and Micah wanted to stay, so Robert, Josh, and I headed home. I made the boys keep me awake as I drove, and with the Lord’s help, we made it home. After a short night of rest, I grabbed a few things that we needed for the day, then we headed back. I wish I could have stayed, but leaving was the right decision. There was no way I would have made it through that night, let alone Sunday.
Janean and Micah had a good night together. They were able to have some good mother/son time. It was really important for our kids to be part of that with us and to actually be with us during that critical time. (There is no substitute for parents and parenting. Other family and maybe friends do play key supportive roles, but kids really need parents. It’s important to also mention that the surviving kids need extra attention during and following something like this. If a parent isolates themself from their surviving children, they would be doing that child harm. I am saying that, even though we suffered a major loss, focusing only on that and ourselves, and then distancing ourselves from our other children is the same as telling them that they are less important to us than she was. Doing right is about meeting all your responsibilities to the best of our abilities, not about making others suffer because of how “I” feel. They would ask, “Am I less loved, am I less important?” No, they are not and at the time they needed us the most, we were there for them, not running the other way in self-pity) That last night in the hospital, Janean and Micah also had Tess, another amazing nurse, taking care of Hannah and them. She spent quality time with them and gave them good advice. I wish I could have been there, but they had Tess, and she was terrific. Being a nurse is a lot more than IVs and bed sheets. They are the face, heart, and soul of the hospital.
The boys and I returned to the hospital. I was greeted with the news of Hannah’s deteriorating blood pressure condition and the request for me to authorize resuscitation, if needed, in order to be able to do the donation. As hard as it was to “let Hannah go”, I couldn’t believe that we now had to “hold her back”. Be very careful when you think it can’t get any worse. It probably can, in ways that you don’t even realize. I did authorize resuscitation because I knew that lives were at stake, and always remembered that Hannah was not suffering, only we were. After making that decision, I went to the room, and we stayed together as a family the rest of the time. Well, this is getting too long again, so we will pick up here tomorrow.
We are blessed
P.S. I was at the DMV yesterday, renewing a driver’s license. They asked if I would like to donate to organ donation. I told them that I had donated enough recently to that cause.
Hannah Helps 