11-17-2024
In twelve hours from my writing this, at 3:57 PM, one week ago, Hannah’s heart stopped, one last time, in her body. The stress of those days is still being felt in our bodies today. The primary thing that physically has been affected has been our sleep. Even now, a week later, sleep is in short supply. We sleep for an hour, or maybe a few in the night, but sleep has only been for a short period of time, then our minds begin to wake us up. Once I woke up, looking and expecting to see Hannah’s monitors to my left. They were the “go to” source for information on her physical status, and we watched them closely. Although, our bodies seem to almost melt into the sheets, once that mind is awake, there is no going back to sleep. So, we get up. We do small tasks around the house, such as cleaning some dishes or preparing to send “Thank You” cards. We read each of the cards that we receive and all the comments that people have posted here on this page. The support that we have received, honestly, does help.
It was notable that while greeting our guests at the funeral, most of them would comment, “I don’t know what to say.” This comment, although simple on the outside, in many ways holds the deepest of meanings. It is not saying that there is nothing to say, but rather that there is too much, and that “I cannot express the deepest of emotions in adequate words”. It is a phrase that, to me, reveals that someone else is feeling our pain, and they are hurting, just as we are. There is nothing wrong with having a comment, reminiscing about a warm memory, or attempting to find a silver lining. Yet, for many, “nothing”, is the best answer. These are the biggest of soul crushing events. They are impossible to put fully into words. One other aspect of this, as well, is that the recipient already “knows” all aspects of the situation and really doesn’t need “deep truth” right then. It is a grieving time. We just needed to hear that you do care. I think that some of the wisest counselors are really the best listeners. As we empathize with others during times of grief, often, just being there and listening is the best thing to do. “I don’t know what to say”, is not a comment of inferiority of communication skills, but rather that of a realization of inadequacy. There are situations, pains, and emotions that just cannot be put into words.
Although the sun rises and sets, completely unphased by our loss and its beauty can feel cold and callous right now, the love and support of others does warm out hearts. It tells us that we are loved and encourages us to keep carrying on in: doing right, breathing, taking small steps, continuing to keep moving forward. Thank you all so much for your love and support!
We are blessed.
Hannah Helps 