11-14-2024
Over the past several months, there has been a change in my heart and in the heart of my wife as well. Perhaps it was God’s way of preparing us for this. Now, nearing my mid-forties, and with a daughter, now in college, becoming a beautiful young adult, I found myself with, what I guess I would call discontent in my heart. I was busy working a job like everyone else. In this economy, with a family, the budget was extremely tight. Perhaps this is something that most people face some time in their lives, but working hard, feeling like it’s really going nowhere, and just doing virtually the same thing day after day was beginning to eat at me. As a somewhat accomplishment driven person, the reward for completing work was, yes, just more work. Perhaps I was wrong in these feelings, yes, I was able to provide for my family, and yes I enjoyed the great guys that I worked with. Both of those are important, but something inside me wanted more. There are lots of people in this world who can build, repair, or just tinker.
Those that believe this world just evolved into its complex state should just build a house, I used to think. The careful planning and construction of a house takes a lot of intelligence both to prepare and to construct. If a lumber pile could just be delivered to the site, sprinkled with some magic evolutionary goo, then electrified momentarily with an ethereal spark from fortune and good luck, then result in a fully constructed house, that would have saved millions of us lots of blood, sweat, and tears, since the days of living in caves.
Getting back on track here, my increasing discontent was in wanting not just a change, but something more fulfilling. I casually looked for a job in other fields, for a time, but God did not open any doors so I laid the burden back on Him and continued doing what he had called me to do, where He had put me. A few months later, my boss and I had a talk. Each of us had “questions” of our own about things that were taking place in our own lives, especially with the state of the economy and inflation as they related to our lives and to the business. The result of that meeting was that we understood that things needed to be different and that “parting ways” seemed to be the best solution. Through the next several months, I looked for a job. For several health and other key reasons, I was looking in fields different than that of where I have the majority of my experience. As Janean and I walked through this time, we had to consider what the “right” thing to do was. That word “right” is fairly ambiguous, and I truly believe, that “right” is unique to the individual. As a believer in the Lord, trusting God, praying, and waiting for His timing are the words that were often shared with us, but the irony of this is that there is an almost universal underlying caveat to that which is, you also need to do what you need to do to make things work now… while you wait?! This was the part that bothered me. Trust and faith, but also the pressure to run immediately to whatever possible, in order to ease the burden of the problem. Janean and I felt deeply in our hearts that we wanted more! We felt that if we removed ourselves immediately from this trial by, in some way, attempting to take matters into our own hands, that we might be missing both the point of the trial and even more so, the blessing of the trial. It was an odd feeling inside, to balance faith with responsibility. However, it was as if I could hear God say, “The decision is yours. If you want to run to the security of some job and a paycheck immediately, despite all the red flags, in order for you to feel “secure”, you can do that, BUT if you want to “walk on water” and see ME in this, and MY provision, protection, and plan for you, then TRUST ME and see the mighty hand of God in your life.” It was scarry, but it was an offer that we could not refuse. To be clear, I was applying for jobs weekly, but definitely cautious, prayerful, and patient, as I waited for Him to show us the next step.
When we entered into this period, the first thing that we had to nail down was the question, “Do you really believe all this God stuff!?” As I considered this, looking at creation, the world around us, and the evidence of His handiwork in my own life, I had no recourse, but to say, “YES” I do believe, I can do nothing else, but believe. Then the second question posed was, “How serious are you about this?” There are many in churches who claim the name of Christ, and who truly do love Him. Many of us go through the motions of our Christianity, from attending church to saying good things about God to others, but through the process of wrestling with this question in my own heart, that same feeling of discontent kept rising up. I wanted more! Like Peter on the stormy sea of Galilee, I was not content in the boat, and once out, I didn’t want to sink. I wanted to walk on water! I wanted a personal, unique relationship with God, for myself , in which, I could clearly see both His hand of direction and His hand of provision. Like Jesus speaking privately with Peter before He left this earth, the question was asked of me, “Do you love me?” which is to ask, “How much do you love me?”. I could only answer, “Yes” I do, “to whom would I go, for you have the words of true life!” At this point I did not pray for a job, again, although I was responsibly applying for them, I prayed to see the Lord’s provision, in His own way. If that was a job, like it is with most people, that was great, but if there was more, more of Him to be seen, I wanted that. I was no longer content to be “normal”.
In having nailed down these two questions in my heart, I can see how God was preparing me for a far greater challenge than just finding meaning in life and gainful employment. I also need to point something out very clearly. I believe that some of these things cannot really be lived out in the life of a married person without the spouse sharing the same burden and commitment. These were personal decisions that my wife made as well, in her own heart. This renewal of commitment was not a momentary decision, but rather a culmination of weeks of searching, praying, thinking, and ultimately believing. So, when we were facing the darkest days, here just a week ago, we were already not just prepared to accept this, but bolstered up in order to be able to bear the weight of such a burden. While in the hospital, God was there. He was there in us, and He was there in the situation.
Emotions seem to care little for God, so they can’t be allowed to dictate decisions, and they can’t offer true peace. Through this process, Janean, God, and myself were enough. The three of us walked together through the valley of the shadow of death, and although we hurt deeply beyond words, God prepared us, and He was with us! In the darkness of despair, in the solitude of the ICU room in the middle of the night, the three of us walked together.
We do not know all the reasons or plans of our God moving forward, but we just continue to try to: Do right, breathe, take small steps, and keep moving forward!
We are blessed
Hannah Helps 